you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
