He had one of those small greek statue penises
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
