Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
