you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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