Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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