I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
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