I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
sex in a hospital.. check
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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