Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
