my mouth tastes like poor choices
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
