I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
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Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
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My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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