Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
