OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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