one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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