i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
