I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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