She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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