remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
