On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
