All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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