my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
