AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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