are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
