I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.