I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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