i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
