im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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