I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
