I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
