I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
