she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
