I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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