It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
