This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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