my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
