he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
