I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
