Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
We're too hungover to prance.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
