plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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