I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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