Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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