Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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