She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
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Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
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In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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