Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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