i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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