So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
