"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
