This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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