meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
