yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
