She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
