We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
