mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't deserve a penis
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
