thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I party with great urgency now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
