I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
be right there i have to get my cape
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
