He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
