If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
