I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
