i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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