My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
