I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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