My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
