My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
