I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
