my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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