remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
