Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
