Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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