I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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